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Last night I cracked, i think after everything this weekend i just lost it. I let someone in and let them close enough to send me to a place where I told myself I would never go back to after jason. I actually got an apology for it and he seemed genuinely concerned about whatever we had being messed up. The fact is im not sure it is ok, I think it may have pushed me into that cold place where it never could be ok again. I don't know we'll see.
November 25th, 2008
gloomyNovember 24th, 2008
Trying to get over feeling violated. This weekend sucked it was just one boy after another getting drunk and treating me like a piece of meat. There was the manipulative drunks, the asshole drunk, and the drunk creepers. Either way I went to class this morning and couldn't feel quite right around any guys, even the good ones I've been friends with. It's hard to feel comfortable, safe, and find the desire to trust any guy ever again. What's worse was there was this stupid hope in the back of my mind that I had a knight there to protect me from the dragons. I was wrong.
What's worse is some of my friends made it clear they thought it was my fault and if I just toned down my sexuality and the individuality I've established for myself then boys wouldn't try this. I'm not sorry I don't conform to the double standard set up for women, but I refuse to tone down any part of who I am! It was like I was in a rape trial where the excuse well she dressed sexually, dances provocatively, and talked about sex freely so therefore she must have wanted it and when she said no it was just a game and meant yes. Fuck that and fuck them. Either way they left me with this overwhelming sense of doom, I'll be miserable if I try and moderate who I am and I will be eternally misjudged and hurt if I'm truly myself.
What's worse is I keep replaying every bit of this weekend in my head to figure out where I could have fixed it. I hate myself for being naive, for believing that when a person says something they'll stick to it, for looking for the good in everyone even when its not there, for trusting anyone, for believing there is that knight to sweep you off your feet and keep you safe. Oh well, I just wish this uncomfortable feeling about everything would go away cause with it here I just want to hide or drink (and yes i know both are unhealthy).
<sigh>
What's worse is some of my friends made it clear they thought it was my fault and if I just toned down my sexuality and the individuality I've established for myself then boys wouldn't try this. I'm not sorry I don't conform to the double standard set up for women, but I refuse to tone down any part of who I am! It was like I was in a rape trial where the excuse well she dressed sexually, dances provocatively, and talked about sex freely so therefore she must have wanted it and when she said no it was just a game and meant yes. Fuck that and fuck them. Either way they left me with this overwhelming sense of doom, I'll be miserable if I try and moderate who I am and I will be eternally misjudged and hurt if I'm truly myself.
What's worse is I keep replaying every bit of this weekend in my head to figure out where I could have fixed it. I hate myself for being naive, for believing that when a person says something they'll stick to it, for looking for the good in everyone even when its not there, for trusting anyone, for believing there is that knight to sweep you off your feet and keep you safe. Oh well, I just wish this uncomfortable feeling about everything would go away cause with it here I just want to hide or drink (and yes i know both are unhealthy).
<sigh>
depressedSeptember 16th, 2008
we were both young when i first saw you
i close my eyes
and the flashback starts
im standing there
on a balcony of summer airsee the lights,
see the party the ball gowns
i see you make your way through the crowd
you say hello
little did i knowthat you were romeo you were throwing pebbles
and my daddy said stay away from juliet
and i was crying on the staircase
begging you please don’t go, and i saidromeo take me somewhere we can be alone
i’ll be waiting all theres left to do is run
you’ll be the prince and i’ll be the princess
its a love story baby just say yesso i sneak out to the garden to see you
we keep quiet because we’re dead if they know
so close your eyes
lets keep this down for a little while
cause you were romeo i was a scarlet letter
and my daddy said stay away from juliet
but you were everything to me
and i was begging you please don’t go and i saidromeo take me somewhere we can be alone
i’ll be waiting all theres left to do is run
you be the prince and i’ll be the princess
its a love story baby just say yesromeo save me, don’t try to tell me how it feels
this love is difficult, but its so real
don’t be afraid we’ll make it out of this mess
its a love story baby just say yes,Oh, oh
I got tired of waiting
wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you was fading
when i met you on the outskirts of town, and I saidromeo save me i’ve been feeling so alone
i keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head, i don’t know what to think
he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ringmarry me juliet you’ll never have to be alone
i love you and thats all I really know
i talked to your dad you’ll pick out the white dress
its a love story baby just say yes
oh, oh, yes
we were still young when i first saw you
-Taylor Swift
This song makes me wanna cry and smile all at the same time, it's lyrics like this that cause me to waste away my days dreaming of a fairytale. This is for all the girls who dream of that fairytale and never find it even if they deserve evey ounce of it...
hopefulJune 17th, 2008
Tired got the new coldplay CD was suprised how cheap it was. Not a fan of the first couple songs, but the end of the album picks up some. Sill not sure it comes close to their last 2 albums though. Really bad headache and stomach is killin me, hope I'm not getting sick, gonna go take a much needed shower and pass the f#$* out.
sickJune 15th, 2008
I think the lovey dovey duo is startin to get to me. My sister and her new german exchange student boyfriend are beyond adorable, but it's startin to make things seem hopless rather then bright. I guess it just sucks cause I'm trying to enjoy the new freedom and lack of stress associated with relationships and relationships seem to be throwing themselves in my face with cuddling and PDA. Eh I suppose thats what happens, when ur in a relationship all u see is single people and it's benefits and when ur single all u see is ppl in relationships. Oh the stupidity of it all. Anyway im tired and its 4am, night or i guess it should be morning.
tiredDecember 15th, 2007
I don't want to feel anymore, I wish love would just leave me to my misery and let me fall apart alone, bust I suupose it dosen't have the decency to do even that who knows anymore. Just make it stop...please
June 13th, 2007
to the point plain and simple. Its worse when there smart and know psychology. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I just want to scream the question is where and what should I scream.
I just want to scream the question is where and what should I scream.
frustratedJuly 2nd, 2005
why the fuck to i try and have any self confidence in myself wether it be looks or academics or sports when all i come home to is being shot down. She makes me want to give up on everything and someday it might work and i hope she'll be god damn happy when that day comes so if she ever reads this thanks for hell mom and destroying any confidence i had in myself over the last few years, im sry nothing is ever up to par or done right for you, wait no the fuck im not sry screw that and u. She makes me want to just jump off a cliff, or yell fuck to the entire world, or plunge a knife into my chest and yell now was that good enough for u now u can worry about Allison someone who actually might live up to your own fucked up expectations
This week sucked, if it hadnt been for my campers it would have been unbearable. Slammed the car into the back of my dads accord when i backed up cause he parked in a fucked up spot where i couldnt see it or get out without hitting a tree on the otherside, plus it didnt help that i had gotten into a pattern of how to get out of the driveway. whatever fucked up both cars leaving me to feel like shit. Got burned on my face early in the week from a flaming marshmellow at a gs cookout. Didnt make it into the 5 week camp. Need to do so much college junk, if it weren't for some friends at vb house the week wouold have been a hell of a lot worse, a little worried about the Loyola camp next week since Alex convinced me my initial intake on the coach was right and she may not have what i need to improve. It would be nice if Alex would coach, having a coach like him could have and would have made all the difference. I like the help i get from these type of players cause i dont get enough of it anywhere else. College is racing at me and the more and more it becomes prevalent the more i have this weird feeling that all my ties will just disappear come college. Idk this week made me just wanna be alone, a lot, dont understand it. Well a least my vb content should pick up and i need to get to the damn gym. Maybe i should go mow the lawn with my ankle weights i wonder if that would help my vertical. One positive note, Alex said i reached the second red line on the antenna on the mens net last night, not sure if it was the top of that line, but then again not sure i believe it either, whatever yesterday was messed up, not even gonna elaborate, nearly destroyed my ankles 2X after ppl were under the net. whatever all for now.
June 27th, 2005
why care? why dream? why live? why cant i find a purpose? why?why?why? who am i? what is the point of it all? why have relationships? why dont cant i deal with failure and flaws? why? whats the point of trying if ur doomed to fail? These r things to think about 4 all u out there, respond if u must but otherwise just do what u do, convert oxygen to CO2 and whatever the f else.
i feel nothing and dont feel like saying much i just feel i need to keep writing as i let this dance and trance music suck the life and emotion out of me. oh well here's to leading a superficial life while ignoring reality.
Hate to sound like a bitch but b4 anyone replies to this i want to say a couple things, 1 i really dont wont ppl responding with advice or sounding all wise and shit cause one it'll piss me off and 2 i dont need that crap right now. Oh and will ppl please stop having faith in me cause it makes my inevitable downfall and failure at volleyball and desire to deal with life that much worse. please if u do have any confidence in me dont show it. My parents sure as hell dont so i need to learn to deal with shit like this. Ok, if ur wondering whats spawing my spiral into darkness well here, not making the USA high preformance camp when literally no one tried out, not making the 5 week camp and getting a lovely sappy sry we just cant take u letter, having others reinforce ur failures at vball and the concept that i wont make it anywhere in vb with my height and lack of skill, the fact that ppl i adore and love hanging out with are easily capable of kicking my ass at vb next year(cough particularly maddi and jenny). Oh and by the way why the hell do i bother with relationships im only bound to be hurt or hurt someone else so whats the fucking point. WHATS THE FUCKING POINT??????? Someone please tell me, no dont i dont wanna know or care. Whatever ill drown in my trance music and try and ignore my moms continual disappointment and dislike of everything about me. whatever, maybe ill rant a litte more b4 going completly numb, well jenny they say misery loves company so here i come with a whole shit load in the form of my own kick ass dose of reality.
June 26th, 2005
i have officially been eaten alive by bugs, i have bites all, and i mean all over my legs and they itch like a bitch and no one in our house knows where the anti-itch bug cream junk is, argggggg. i cant stop scratching the stupid things. ugh and it will probably get worse since im spending all week in the woods.
June 25th, 2005
im gonna go drown myself in food since i dont get to go to DC, i have gs camp next week, and i still haven't heard from the vb camp director to whether i made it in. whatever maybe ill go laser tagging w/ some friends later maybe that'll cheer me up
ugh, i need to mow the lawn, mostly just need the cash. Apparently my parents are gonna let me got to DC for i guess random vb play with a guy from vb house 2morrow, which will be cool i think, ill get a tan and play sand vb, and itll be a change from vbh. FUCK, thats not fair i just found out I cant so now i have to go email him back, ugh well i can try next week i hope, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
enragedJune 24th, 2005
cant talk much gotta clean so i can go to vbh, still not sure about the 5week vb camp, idk it makes me nervous cause im not sure what else ill do without it, eh. guess ill have to deal, ill have to be really self motivated, emok u can help. till later.
productiveJune 20th, 2005
to grandmothers house i go, at least for the night and part of tuesday, dont know what time ill be back but dont care. Babysitting brother and doing chores at the moment. Need to go get ready and pack. Nice not having my mom yelling at me about my room and whatnot, its rather peacefull, my sis gave me a couple calls, shes in savanna GA w/ mom on girl scout stuff, yes haha snicker snicker we're a family of girl scouts. whatever hope everyones enjoyin summer, i know maddi's enjoying key west lucky punk, eh i wonder if I make it into the camp in NY, if they have comp. or TV, somehow i doubt it, well at least ill have my phone. im being such a bum i need to go work out, i did 10 measly push ups and probably 2 dozen crunches and i havent done much else. Tommorow will probably consist of lying by a pool, another great workout, emok we gotta run some time b4 i leave, and set up a mini boot camp, since becky had asked about it. eh summers gonna be gone b4 u know it. peace out
boredJune 19th, 2005
weird day got up all 3 cars r here, but i cant find anybody, its like something out of the twilight zone, to be honest i like the peace and quiet. I dont think im mad anymore, but there are definitely some wounds here that i know ill try and ignore, but will definitly stay unhealed and occasionaly make their presence known. -sigh- whatever.
blankJune 18th, 2005
what a beautiful day to spend in my room crying, when im done maybe ill let u know whether giving ur trust to someone is worth the pain they can cause u, cause right now i would say no way in hell should u ever put urself in a position to deal with that much pain, i think cutting urself off no matter how lonely is still a better feeling then someone breaking ur trust, which honestly felt like knives diving deep into my back with each passing moment.
coldi dont think u guys have any idea how much damage u did, do you have any idea how hard it is for me to ever think about trusting any of u and anybody else ill come across in my life now. i hope ur happy, i hope this little joke of yours accomplished all u hoped for and more. Thanks, i just dont know if i can emhasize that enough. Thanks